Big Spaces, Small Hearts

[00:00:00] Hi and welcome to Fall asleep with Henrik. I'm Henrik and you're sleepy and it is what it is. What happens, happens. And right now there is nothing we can do. So let's begin.

[00:00:21] Hi sleepy. Hi, I'm Henrik and welcome back to my humble abode. My studio in my yard in Stockholm, Sweden from where I try to talk you into sleep every week.

[00:01:01] So you don't have to listen to what I say per se. And I know that my English is broken and I have sort of a weird dialect, but you'll just have to get by, you know.

[00:01:19] So my main purpose here is to just be a distraction. I'm just here to talk you to sleep like, no, I don't demand anything of you. But with that said, I'm not going to try to hypnotize you or bore you or.

[00:01:41] Well, I guess I am trying to entertain you in a way, but since I don't have a script and since I don't edit anything out, I'm. This will be kind of not boring, but not interesting either. So it'll be sort of a mix between the two.

[00:01:59] I'm in my studio called Adventure Wolf and it's on the front yard of a house in which I used to live. I don't anymore, but my studio is still here. So I go here every day almost to work. I was about to say to work out, but I don't.

[00:02:26] When I moved to this house, this was like, I don't know, 14 years ago, almost. The previous owners had a gym in some sort of a small outhouse without walls. I don't know what you call that. It wasn't a house. It was more like a roof on legs. It was a wooden roof.

[00:02:56] And all over this construct, there were vines. Yeah. And I've never seen vines in Sweden before, but. And the grapes were like really sour. They didn't have the time to really become big and tasty because of the very short summer.

[00:03:21] But anyway, outside in this, in this wooden construct, the previous owners had grown vines and beneath the vines, there was this outside gym. And I remember looking at that with such contempt. What are they trying to cover up?

[00:03:46] I remember saying to my partner, what are they compensating for? Because at that time, I really despised working out. Then a few years went by and I suddenly realized that, oh my God, I am too grown old.

[00:04:11] Not just everyone else on planet Earth are being subjected to the terror of aging. So am I. Okay. So then it became a necessity to work out. And I realized that I actually thought it was kind of fun. And since then I've been hitting the gym quite frequently.

[00:04:41] Well, not at this particular time in my life though, because I am kind of in a down, you know, I am kind of in a bad place life-wise. But you don't have to worry about me. I'm just going through the motions, I guess. There was someone in my life until recently that is no more, is no more in my life.

[00:05:12] And yesterday I had trouble sleeping. And I sort of told myself, like, it was almost like an outside voice that told me, very candidly, you're going through a sense of loss. You've lost something.

[00:05:41] And I knew that, of course. I knew that I lost. But the thought wasn't very outspoken in my mind. I didn't really have the words all written in front of my eyes, you know. But then it became so clear. Yes, I am going through a period of loss.

[00:06:14] And it's a weird feeling, Sleepy. Don't you agree? The sense of loss is not like despair or not even sadness in a way. It's a deeper, more profound experience. Loss.

[00:06:40] It's sort of almost like someone has taken a piece out of you. A piece that you didn't knew existed to begin with. It's like you've had this third arm your whole life. And then someone just comes by, points at the arm and says, look, you got a third arm.

[00:07:10] And you get all tingly and happy and amazed by the fact that you've been carrying around this third arm your entire life without even realizing it. And then that arm just vanishes.

[00:07:31] As soon as you realize that it's there, you're just, oh, it's not there anymore. Yeah. So I guess you could say that I miss my third arm. And you don't have to, like, this is not a cry for help. I'm sorry.

[00:07:59] I need to say this so that there are no misunderstandings. I'm not doing this podcast to ask for anyone's help or anything, but I find it truly benefiting for both of me and for the sleepy, a.k.a. you,

[00:08:22] if I'm candid, you know, if I'm honest and yeah, I believe. Well, first of all, I don't have a script, so I don't know what to talk about. And then, of course, the stuff closest at hand comes to mind. This is where I am today.

[00:08:50] I'm in a sense of loss. Have you ever been to this grand church? I'm not thinking about any particular church. I'm just talking about a great room, a church or a stadium. But a church is a better analogy for this.

[00:09:16] Have you ever been inside a cathedral? I actually, well, okay, so now this was a good segue into something contemporary, a.k.a. the new pope, this new American pope. I actually, I've been to the St. Peter Cathedral in the Vatican in Rome two times in my life.

[00:09:44] And both times I've been absolutely crushed by the sheer size of the room. I have a bit of a, what do you call it when you're afraid of big spaces? When you, I don't know the English word for it.

[00:10:03] In Swedish, it's called ktorjuskrekk, which is like scared of squares, like city squares. But I don't know the English word for it. Please educate me at your first, at your convenience.

[00:10:31] By the way, it's okay if you lose, if you get lost in what I'm talking about. I'm not following any made up order. I'm just talking. I'm just saying whatever comes up in my mind. I will be doing this for an hour, by the way. So you can just let me talk and drift off to sleep if you want. You can also listen and think and do whatever you want.

[00:11:03] So yeah, that room. Whenever I'm on this great, huge plane, especially when it's floors, like my absolute worst case scenario regarding my fright of big spaces is to be standing on this asphalt plane

[00:11:32] with just plain asphalt as far as the eye can see in every direction. That is my worst nightmare. I don't know why though. I mean, there's nothing threatening about this huge space. It's just, there's nothing to hold on to. I guess that's the thing I'm scared about. You know, it's,

[00:12:04] what could I do if this asphalt plane just tips over? You know, I will just fall. I won't be able to grab on to anything. Yeah, so it's not the same with grass or hills or like if I were to be on a gigantic meadow. You know, you can hold on to the grass. I can sit down and I can watch the ground.

[00:12:33] It's something merciless about floors, concrete, asphalt, stone, wood. Wood is less so. Wood is warmer. And I guess that translates into safety in my regard.

[00:12:57] Anyway, the first time I was in Rome was with like this group of youths. I was a drama teacher, so to speak. I taught, well, there was this church group with young people.

[00:13:19] And they've all been signed up to this trip that this old honorable church in Stockholm made every year with its youth. That was the only reason that the parents of these youths signed them up to be a member of the church youth community in that church because of this trip that was annual.

[00:13:45] And it was always to Assisi in Italy. It's a small town where St. Francis was born, according to both historical records and a lot of myths and legends. So it's a very Catholic little Italian city, village on a mountain.

[00:14:13] Anyway, so every year they went there and then afterwards they went to Assisi in France, which is some sort of a ecumenic. What do you call it? Ecumenic? Ecumenic. It's not Catholic. It's not Protestant. It's, you know, it's for everyone. And then we went there. So the whole trip was two weeks.

[00:14:40] And while in Italy, of course, we visited St. Peter's Cathedral. And so that was the first time. And to be responsible for a bunch of 14, 15-year-old kids, like 30 of them, inside this very dogmatic and strict environment that is St. Peter's Cathedral. You can't just go in there and just run around.

[00:15:10] It's a sacred place to people. And yeah, so I had a lot of job to do. I had a lot of work keeping them in line. And at the same time, I had this ever so frequent panic attacks because of the sheer size of the thing.

[00:15:38] The other time I was there was with my then girlfriend. And she actually, we had just started dating. And she just said one day, do you want to come with me to Italy over Christmas? I can treat you to everything because I didn't have any money, which is weird because I had like two jobs.

[00:16:05] But I guess I just wasted it on food and drinks and dry cleaning. Yeah, I was an idiot. If you hang on to my podcast for a while, Sleepy, you will get to know me in my idiotic years. When I was younger, I couldn't really handle money at all. I had a lot of money growing up. Not as a kid because my parents aren't rich at all.

[00:16:35] But when I was 23, I started my first job at a Swedish television show. And since then, I've had like income. Um, it's been bad years and good years, of course. But the common denominator for almost all of my younger years as a young adult is that I just wasted it, you know.

[00:17:03] And I can get so mad at me, at the younger me, thinking about that. Because what if I just could, you know, put aside a few thousand each month? Then I didn't, I wouldn't be in, I wouldn't have been in situations that came after that when I actually became poor for real.

[00:17:28] Yeah, I don't remember what I was, why I started talking about money. I don't remember. Anyway, I, I was, yeah, in Italy, wasn't it? Yeah, yeah. I was there with my then girlfriend and she treated me to this trip because I didn't have any money because I wasted it on.

[00:17:55] You know, when I was out like on a pub or a nightclub, I could, you know, afterwards, after it closed and I was on the street again. And I could just think to myself that I don't really feel like going home.

[00:18:14] Then I could just go into a hotel and pay for a room and just sleep there, just across the street from the pub because I didn't want to, I don't know, because I had like money during those years. Like an idiot. I'm sorry. I was so fascinated by the fact that I actually had means to do whatever I pleased.

[00:18:41] Of course, not whatever I pleased, but yeah, well, it's gone now. Now it's all hard work and I guess that's good. Anyway, as it turned out, this trip was a mistake. We weren't really made out for each other.

[00:19:08] We weren't really made for each other. She, well, first of all, it was some sort of, we went on some sort of semi-religious trip. She wasn't religious. Me neither. But I was brought up in the Catholic Church as a child. So I had some sort of insight in what the Vatican is all about. But she wasn't.

[00:19:35] And she was really provoked by the rigorous way of treating the female body, you know. Like, you can't enter some places wearing a skirt and stuff. And she became really upset. And yeah, so that's that.

[00:20:02] But as far as the panic attack goes, it was the same. She had to hold me. Like, we walked through these vast spaces looking at all the art and these enormous, gigantic spaces. And she had to, like, hold me down because I felt like I was going to tip over.

[00:20:33] I can't for the life of me, Sleepy, figure out why. I started talking about big spaces. Yeah, Rome and the Pope. I've actually met a Pope at one time.

[00:20:59] I was, this was in the 80s. And the Pope then was John Paul II. Or as his Polish name, Karol Wojtyla, I think, was his name. He was a Polish pope, a so-called PP, Polish pope.

[00:21:25] And he went to Sweden in a town called Uppsala. And they built this improvised altar on top of or next to three enormous old pagan burial grounds.

[00:21:47] Just to flash, really, the Swedish old gods. Like, nobody believes in you anymore. Look at this. Look at the leader of the Catholic Church now being here, peeing on your ground. You know. I always find that a bit weird. Why would you do that?

[00:22:17] I mean, that place in Uppsala, the Swedish city, is thousands of years old. And there are three great hills covering what we presume is to be three kings. Or at least very high-born leaders in, like, the Bronze Age. Or later, maybe the Iron Age.

[00:22:47] And this has been a place of cult for thousands of years. And I don't really see, I can't see why it's necessary for this grand international cooperation that the Catholic Church is to be just, it's a bit, you know, arrogant, I think.

[00:23:12] Because when my mother, which was heavily into this new church that she's been converting to, she had been converting to, this was in the 80s. She told me that this is because thousands of years ago they worshipped gods that aren't real here.

[00:23:41] But now, when we worship the right gods, so to speak, we need to, you know, bless this place. And that was so weird. Even back then, as a 12-year-old, I thought to myself that, how come we don't at least, for the sake of it, ask ourselves the question,

[00:24:07] aren't we doing really the same thing that our ancestors did? It's just the name and the qualities of the god or gods that have changed. And don't you think that those people back then really believed in Odin and Thor and Freya and Heimdall and all the other Norse gods?

[00:24:36] Don't you believe, don't you think that they would have looked upon our faith as paganism? But I, of course, I couldn't say that to my mom, to my mom, because she was really a heavy believer. Anyway, he was there and Karol Wojtyla went to Uppsala, to this old burial ground.

[00:25:06] And it was not just a burial ground, it was an ancient village there. And, yeah, anyway. So, and it was unbelievable. I mean, the sheer excitement of the people. I believe we were like 25,000 people or something. I don't really remember. I didn't count. I was 12, 11 or 12 years old.

[00:25:36] And I had this thought. I thought to myself that this is the most famous person in the world. Probably. The most famous living man in the world. And I'm about to meet him to receive communion.

[00:25:56] Me and my family, since I have a lot of siblings, we had been chosen among like a few, like 20 families with children in Sweden to be chosen to go up to the Pope himself during the Mass to receive communion. The body of Christ. And so we did.

[00:26:23] And it was this rock concert excitement in the air. And there were people trying to cut the line and press their children in front of me. There was this short mother and she was crying. And she had like, well, a lot of children and she just pushed me aside in the line and trying to put her children in front of the Pope.

[00:26:53] But he had like huge bodyguard types. And they looked at her and they could see that she didn't have the criteria. Like we were wearing like small tags that said something in Italian in the style of signore, papel, something like that. And so one of the bodyguards just lifted this small mother and her children out of the way.

[00:27:22] And I became kind of scared because it was very tumultuous. And then the bodyguard looked at my little sign, my little tag on my chest, and he let me through. And there I was in front of the, at least as far as I was concerned, the most famous man in the world at that time. And I thought, I need to touch him.

[00:27:52] I need to be able to tell my world afterwards that I touched the most famous man in the world. And I know this is like kind of creepy in a way, but you need to keep in mind that I was, well, I was a kid.

[00:28:13] And so I went up to him and the, I got an impulse because he was going to take this communion, the bread, which you receive, well, taken communion. And he was going to put it in my mouth, I guess. Because that was how all the other people in front of me was doing.

[00:28:42] They kneeled and opened their mouth and he laid this small, I don't know what you call it. It's a round piece of bread. And he put it on, in their, on their tongue, so to speak. And so then I realized that I need to lick him on his fingers. I need to lick the Pope's fingers. Yeah, I realize now how this sounds.

[00:29:12] But believe me, at the time I didn't have any underlying thoughts. I mean, I was a kid for Christ's sake. I didn't, I just wanted to do something that, that would have, you know, made me being able to say that I actually touched the most famous man in the world. But my, our atoms have had almost touched.

[00:29:41] Because atoms can't really touch. What you feel when you touch someone or something is just the electromagnetic fields around. Anyway, that's a sad thing. I've been talking about that a lot in my Swedish podcast. But it's a sad thing that we never really touch anything. Not in a physical sense anyway.

[00:30:08] And then you can, you could argue that what you feel as touch really are touch. Because what else is there, you know? And that's right, you know, that's the closest thing we can come to touch. Is to feel the electromagnetic fields around the very smallest particles in our existence.

[00:30:35] Anyway, well, I wish that I could end this story by saying that I actually licked John Paul II on his fingers. But I didn't because I didn't dare to. So I never touched him. And there's actually an image of me. Because he had like a photographer there who snapped an image of everyone receiving communion by the Pope that day.

[00:31:05] And I, so there's an image of me. And of the rest of my siblings and my mom and my dad. And I look really in awe. And you can't tell from the picture that I'm thinking about licking his fingers.

[00:31:30] And I'm sorry, Sleepy, if this comes as a sort of an anti-climatic thing that I didn't lick him on his fingers. I wonder what would have happened if I did. I mean, it would have to be just this ultra fast, tiny little lick. I guess he couldn't do anything. I mean, imagine if he would have been like upset.

[00:31:59] What are you doing? Back away. Guards. Guards. Stop him. He's running. Wrestle him to the ground. I don't care if he's 12 years old. Just handcuff him and bring him before me. Why did you do that, boy? Why? Why did you lick my fingers? I am here instead of Jesus Christ.

[00:32:29] I am here as a represent... Oh God. I am here as a... Yeah. Yeah. I'm God. Right now, I'm God as far as you're concerned. So kneel. Kneel before me. Bring out the whip.

[00:32:56] And then 25,000 people would have witnessed the Pope whipping this boy because of his blasphemic actions. I'm sorry, sleepy. I'm... I guess I'm kidding. Anyway, this was a great moment for me. At that time, I...

[00:33:22] I think that I really had this religious faith. I think that I really believed that John Paul II was like instead of Christ. And afterwards, I ran. I've been telling this story a lot in Swedish. So if you know Swedish, then yeah, I'm sorry.

[00:33:51] But I... But I... I was running up and down the hills. These old royal burial places. Huge hills. Piles of dirt on top of an old prehistoric almost royal grave. And I was running up and down.

[00:34:22] I've actually been there since. Like just a few months ago. And I tried to run up or down the hills. But it's impossible. I don't... I remember doing it. But they are so steep. That if I were, as a grown-up, to try to run downhill. I would just break every bone in my body. The speed would accumulate to a degree that I wouldn't be able to stop.

[00:34:50] I would just smash through the ground at the bottom of the hill. Anyway, at that time, I got this very strong, very convincing image in my mind that this was it. This was the end of my life.

[00:35:14] Because I had been at this very ground-shaking event. With these thousands and thousands of people. And this gathering around this religious figure. It's an out-of-worldly experience for a kid with faithful parents.

[00:35:39] I mean, parents that are really believers. At least my mom. My dad was a bit more skeptical, I think. But my mom really fell to the ground before this man. And I guess so did I, you know. I was very influenced by my mom at this time. In this era of my life.

[00:36:08] So I suddenly just knew. From within the very core of me. That I was going to die. This day. And at that time. Running up and down these old royal graves. I felt. Okay. Then, okay. I've lived a good life. You know. I've. I've seen the Pope. And I didn't lick his fingers.

[00:36:38] And then we went home. Several miles. Back to the city where I lived. In this house. Out in the countryside. Underneath the stars. No other houses. Like. Very close. So it was just this house. Fields. Forests. And. Sky full of stars. And then.

[00:37:09] Lying in my bed. This thought came back to me. And it said. Don't you remember Henrik? You're going to die today. And I'm. I. Then the fear came. Because I didn't want to die. You know. Back in my room. Everything seemed more. Mundane. And usual. And. I remember that I really enjoyed living. And.

[00:37:39] I had a lot of dreams. That weren't fulfilled at the time. Since I was just a boy. Okay. So quick side note. I would just like to go back in time. To that boy. With all the dreams. And I would like to tell him that. Almost all of the dreams that you have. Right now. Will come true. I can't really. Express. How grateful I am.

[00:38:10] To myself. I guess. And. I'm sorry if this sounds. Like I'm. Boasting or something. But. Well. I'm really glad. That I. Took myself serious enough. To try and. You know. To try and find. The answer to my dreams. Then there's. There's other stuff that. Hasn't come true.

[00:38:41] But. Yeah. I had this dream about. A princess. You know. Yeah. It's a stupid dream. Yeah. As I said. I was an idiot. I kind of am. Yeah.

[00:39:10] I'm a naive. I am a naive. Blue-eyed. Stupid. Idiot. Sometimes. I need to. Come clean. In that sense. Sorry. I'm fine. Anyway. Yeah. I didn't want to die. And then I became. Scared. And I went down. Stairs. To my dad. And I think he was. Really tired. For driving us. Back and forth. To this.

[00:39:42] Rock concert. With the Pope. And. Well. He. Wasn't really. Into. The fact that I was. Convinced. That I was going to die. So he just. I remember him. Him being. Very tired. Looking at me like. Because it wasn't very. Unusual of me. To get these. I was a very scared. And. Yeah. I was a scared.

[00:40:12] Child. I was worried. A lot. About. Many different things. Including my own. Death. My own demise. In. From time to time. So. It wasn't. Like. I. This never happened before. Because. It had. So he was tired. Because he knew. I wasn't going to die. And he said. Well. What do you want me to do? And then I. Just screamed at him. I just want you to hug me. And that's actually. The last time.

[00:40:42] I remember. Seeking my dad's. Comfort. In that way. Well. Maybe. I've. I've done that since. But. That's the last time. As I remember it anyway. I haven't really been. Comforted by my dad. As a. As an older child. That was more of a. Well. When I was small. When I was. When I was tiny.

[00:41:13] Then of course. He could. He could. I remember. When I turned seven. I cut myself on. The dispenser. Of the toilet paper. And. We've. Just moved to a new house. And. The dispenser had this. Very sharp edge. And. While trying to get. Some toilet paper. From it. I. Cut myself. On the finger. So that I started to bleed.

[00:41:42] It wasn't very bad. And I. And I didn't cry. Or anything. But I showed it to my dad. And he. He. I think he was going to get. Me some band-aid. A patch. And. Then he told. The guests at my. Seven year old. Birthday party. Well the party wasn't seven years old. I. I had turned seven. And he said. Look.

[00:42:11] The birthday boy. Is bleeding. And he said it like. He said it like. It was some sort of. Book title. And I remember. Feeling loved. In a weird way. I felt loved. By the fact that he made a book title. Out of my small predicament.

[00:42:43] I really love my parents for that. That they gave me. The ability to put things into narratives. Which are not necessarily just forced upon me. I can choose. I can choose. I can choose how I'm. To look at the world. At any given moment. Because of the gift that they gave me of storytelling. And for that I am. I am. I am eternally grateful.

[00:43:18] Yeah. So. For instance. This. Loss. Thing. I can. Make stories out of it. And. Then. The whole. Commotion. Becomes. Milder. In a sense. It helps me. When I am afraid. As well. Like.

[00:43:51] Yeah. Now I remember. Why I started talking about. Great squares. And then. Great spaces. And then. Segwaying into the Pope. And the Catholic Church. And. Me being afraid of dying. And. Me and my dad. I started talking about. The sense of loss. And. That sense being. Almost like standing on this field. This empty field. Well. Thank you Henrik. For suddenly remembering. Why you were talking about this. In the first place.

[00:44:24] Yeah. So. It's not sorrow. It's not despair. Well. It's that too. But it's. Also. This emptiness. Okay. So I'm going to try to put this into words. In English. Which. Bear with me. For a while. Sleepy. And. I.

[00:44:53] I need to remind you. That it's okay. If you don't listen. And. You just. Sleep. Your job is done. For the day. Okay. So. I feel. Oh God. It's hard. It's really hard. To put. What. The sense of loss. Actually feels like.

[00:45:25] It's like you. It's like you've been standing on this cliff. And. You've had a great time there. At this cliff. Maybe there's a small stream. Running by. Falling down the cliff. And. Yeah. Beneath the cliff. There's this. Beautiful. Deep. Canyon.

[00:45:58] You've been standing there. There. Well. Maybe sitting there. Or lying there. You know. For an eternity. It feels like. It's. Trees. And birds. And animals. And. The warmth. Of the sun. And you've been totally safe there on the cliff. And. Of course. The deep is. Way down there. But. It doesn't really concern you. And. Maybe you fell asleep for a while.

[00:46:28] A blissful sleep. Not a worry in the world. And then you just. Wake up. And. You find that you're. At the bottom of the cliff already. You're beneath the cliff. You haven't. Really been there. So it's not a sensation of falling down the cliff.

[00:47:00] It's not a sorrow of having to leave the cliff. And the beautiful. Scenery up there. It's the realization. The heart wrenching realization that. You haven't even been there to begin with. You just thought that you were there. But. You were really down here. All the time. It's a fantasy.

[00:47:33] That. Is. A feeling of. Being deprived of this beautiful illusion. That made you feel. Like fairy tales. Is true. And that's. Yeah. That's also. I felt it now. There's this anger in that as well. You know.

[00:48:03] Being deprived of the fairy tale. That's. I mean. But I'm not sure that this really. Was a great description of. The feeling of loss. The feeling with. The. The. Analogy with the arm. The third arm. Is better. I think. It's more in. In the line. It's more in line. With. Losing.

[00:48:36] I was. Out. Driving the other day. And my daughter. She's. 13 years old. She was sitting next to me. And. She put on. The soundtrack. Of Mamma Mia. The musical. And she started singing. The winner takes it all. And she has a very beautiful voice. Might I add. This is not a podcast. In which I boast about my child. But. Well. It could be that.

[00:49:06] As well. My daughter's name is Harriet. And she's 13 years old. And she has a beautiful singing voice. And she's starting to really enjoy singing. A lot. So she was sitting beside me. Singing along to the ABBA soundtrack. And. Well. ABBA is not the singers in this soundtrack. I don't know the name of the actress singing. This is the winner takes it all. Maybe it's.

[00:49:35] Meryl Streep. I don't. I don't. I don't know. I. I watched this. Film. Ages ago. Anyway. The winner takes it all. The winner takes it all. And. I started to sob. Like uncontrollably. And. Don't get me wrong. I'm all for. You know.

[00:50:05] Showing my emotions. To my daughter. But. I don't want to do it. Like over the top. I don't want to scare her. Or. Or. Most of all. I don't want to make it about me. Because. It. At that time. It really. Was. It was really about me. Dealing with my. Sense of loss.

[00:50:34] And she. Never realized I was crying. Which was great. Because she was so. Up in her own business. Finding her own voice. And that made me really glad. And so I quickly just. Manned up. I hate that word. By the way. Man up. It's. It's. Nice to cry. And. I don't want.

[00:51:03] You to think that I. Think that. It's wrong. To cry. In front of your child. I think. It's a. There's a time. And place for that. As well. My daughter. She really. Loves this film. The notebook. And she showed it to me. The other day. And. I mean. It's. It hasn't really. Aged well. I think. In terms of. Like the. Storytelling. Is very.

[00:51:33] Classic. But it's. I mean. It's a. It's a romance. Film. And. Then we could cry together. Me and Harriet. And that was. Fantastic. That was such a gift. And her mom was there as well. So we cried. All the. The three of us. And. But. At. At this time. In the car.

[00:52:04] I didn't think it. Was the place to. Starting. Started to. Because. It was a positive moment for her. I don't want it. Her to just. Why are you crying? And. Needing to comfort me. Or whatever. But that's the feeling. The winner takes it all. You know. I don't know if there is a winner. Really. No it's not. It's not.

[00:52:33] It's not a winner. It's not a win. Winner or losing sort of game. But I. I feel as if I were losing. Well. The world seems. Sort of. Indifferent. About me. And. I know. That this is the case. I don't believe there is any. Well. Don't get me wrong. I'm.

[00:53:03] Sort of a spiritual. Person. But. I'm not. I am not spiritual. At the same time. I'm not atheist. But I'm not religious either. I believe that. The ways that we. Divide. Our different belief systems. As human beings. Are. Very. Well. It's not a very. Sensitive instrument.

[00:53:33] Is it? We have these. Very. Clumsy minds that. Is trying to sort. Through. Stuff that is really so. It's really so nuanced. And fine. And chaotic. That we really don't have the. Senses to deal with it.

[00:54:04] We can't sort. So when I say that I'm. Not atheist. And not religious. That's. It's. It's not me trying to get away from the question. It's just. I don't think there is. I don't. I can't speak English. Sorry. Bad words come out. Mouse now. No.

[00:54:33] I don't believe there's. Any possibility of me. Or any human. Or any creature on planet Earth. Being able to. Formulate in words. What. Everything really is. I believe that. If we were to know. What time and space. And being alive. Really is. We weren't really.

[00:55:03] We wouldn't really be in. Time or space. Or alive. So. That's the foggy way of me. Saying. I don't know anything. And. The sad thing about life is that. It's going to continue to be that way. I don't have any illusions of ever finding anything out. For real.

[00:55:34] When you're old. When your end is coming nearer and nearer. Will you be able to ask yourself. And answer the question. Did I win? Did I win in life? Or did I lose? It's an awful question. Because it demands an answer. That's not really possible to give.

[00:56:07] I sometimes think about my grandmother. My mother's mother. And I think that if I would have. If I would have asked her. And she was ill. Laying in the hospital. With just a few more months to live. If I'd asked her. Did you win in life? She would have said. Yes I did. And then I would. Maybe answer. Then I would have asked her. What made you. Win.

[00:56:36] And she would have said. My children and my grandchildren. It's so beautiful. And simple isn't it? I mean. Sometimes I think that. This is really the way of living. To just enjoy what you have. In front of you. And there's a lot of. Old. Well especially older women. That I talk to.

[00:57:08] Women born in the 40s. 50s. 30s. That say. That their. Main. Happiness. Their main win. Is. Their children and their grandchildren. Children. I feel that. My main win. Of course. Could be considered Harriet. But.

[00:57:37] It's not a win. I mean. She's. There. I mean. She. It. It almost feels like. I'm reducing her. To some trophy. When I'm talking about her. In the sense of. Her being. The win. My win. But yesterday. I'm sorry. It's. It's hard.

[00:58:07] Yesterday. When I was. When I was. Well. I was deep. In the sense of loss. I thought to myself. That I really need. To consider. My daughter. The first prize. In a contest. Because. She's. Right there. You know.

[00:58:38] And it's so easy. To just. Drift. Drift off. Into this. Negative space. But she's right there. And I need to consider myself a winner. And so I did for a while. And that felt good.

[00:59:13] Know what to say next. I sort of. Fell down. A peg. Or two. I keep wondering. When. I'm going to find that. Cliff. You know. When will I be able. To stand there. On the cliff. Watching the beautiful scenery.

[00:59:42] And being able to touch the stuff. On this cliff. Being able to feed the birds. You know. Talk to them. Gently pat them. On their feathers. Good night sleepy. Good night. Good night. Good night.