The Fox Has All the Time in the World

[00:00:00] Hi and welcome to Fall asleep with Henrik. I'm Henrik and you're sleepy and it is what it is. What happens, happens and right now there is nothing we can do. Let's go.

[00:00:33] Hi sleepy. Hi and welcome back to my humble abode. I'm Henrik and as per usual this is just not your average podcast. I'm just going to improvise. I will do it in my second language, English.

[00:01:22] And I will do it with, you know, you will experience highs and lows in my vocabulary throughout the episode. If you're new here, I will refer to you as sleepy. That doesn't mean that you have to fall asleep. That doesn't mean that there is a guarantee that you will fall asleep.

[00:01:45] I am of the opinion that you can't really steer anything when it comes to sleep. You don't really know what's going to happen and that's part of the deal. Your job is simply to just listen to my voice and I won't try to lull you into sleep. At least that's not my aim. I will just speak. And for many people this helps.

[00:02:16] But it's not certain that it will do the trick for you. You'll just have to wait and find out. And I'm very well aware that this podcast isn't for everyone. It's a bit of an acquired taste, I guess. Since I do this in Swedish several times a week and have been doing this for almost eight years now.

[00:02:42] I am very used to this way of improvising, just talking, not preparing anything in advance. But with that said, doing it in English is a bit over two years old now and I am not really 100% comfortable doing it yet.

[00:03:04] I'm not doing this to sell something to you. I'm not doing this to talk you into something. Sometimes you will hear me say stuff that is opinions of mine. Ideologies and opinions.

[00:03:23] And I want to emphasize that I am not here to teach you something or to change your mind in any way. Sometimes you will experience that I have an opposite viewpoint than you in some detail or aspect of life.

[00:03:50] And when that happens, the only thing I ask of you is that you remember sleepy. That I don't really know anything about you, your viewpoints. And I have the utmost respect for you, your viewpoints and your life, whether or not we think the same way or not.

[00:04:16] Okay. I had a few emails about a previous episode of mine where I talked a lot about God and the Bible. And I kind of joked a little bit about it, I guess.

[00:04:39] And I got a few emails from a few people telling me that it's not just a joking matter. People's personal beliefs are like truly, really genuine and sacred to them. And I know this. And I say it in the episode as well. You need to remember that I don't know anything.

[00:05:07] I just speak from my own little corner in my own little mind. And my scope is very narrow. I don't know anything. And I'm not here to know things. So I guess one thing to accept in this podcast is that sometimes I will say things that don't really lull you. That don't really automatically put your mind at ease.

[00:05:36] And this is by default. Because I think that in order to get a relaxed relationship with sleep, maybe it's a good thing to just embrace the fact that the world doesn't just do as you please. You know, I guess you know this, Sleepy. I guess you have people in your family that are of the opposite opinion.

[00:06:08] People in your family or in your life, throughout your life that hasn't really gone your way. And you can't shy away from this, I guess. Or maybe you can. I don't know. Maybe this is a thing that it's just me, you know. It's just me that hasn't really cracked the code.

[00:06:37] So I'm in my apartment today. If you're a skilled Sleepy, then you know that I'm usually in my studio in the house where I used to live. But today I am in my apartment. And I will be throughout these weeks. And that's because I live every other week in the house and every other week in the apartment. And today I'm doing...

[00:07:06] I'm starting this bulk recording process of recording episodes for throughout the summer. So that I can spend some time with my daughter throughout the summer without having to think about work. This means though that I have to record like 10 episodes in a week's time. So I will do it from my home.

[00:07:34] And I'm doing it in this very cute little portable studio called an Isovox. It's sort of a box on a stilt that's placed in the middle of my living room. Outside, I don't think that you can hear it. It's sleepy. But outside there's children playing because it's a kindergarten in the yard outside.

[00:08:04] And every morning I wake up... Every morning when I'm here, I wake up listening to the sounds of these tiny voices. And there's always this one kid crying. Really crying. I guess they miss their mother or father. I remember when I was in kindergarten.

[00:08:31] I do actually remember that. That's weird, isn't it? But I was a bit older than the other kids when I started kindergarten. I think I was way over two years old. My mom was opposed to kindergarten, to daycare.

[00:08:58] She had this idea that kids should be with their parents as long as possible. I think she thought in terms of protecting me from germs and stuff. So I'm not going to go into whether or not that was a good call or a bad call.

[00:09:23] But the thing I remember is that it was a strange world. Being new. And as old as you are, when you start to remember stuff, build experiences that last. So I was devastated when she left me there. I cried every morning.

[00:09:52] And I don't think it was morning per se, because there were other kids there that were sleeping midday sleep. And I remember I had this one kindergarten teacher by the Swedish name of Mona. Mona really is a combination of the word moon and month. So the month of the moon, I guess.

[00:10:22] I don't really know what the name means. But she was, I was afraid of her. Yeah, I was. She pinched me a few times. Yeah, this is actually true. And I'm not trying to trauma dump on you, sleepy. But if you're new here, this is a frequent thing.

[00:10:46] Sometimes I just say stuff that maybe wouldn't belong in a conventional falling asleep podcast. And that's my methodology. And you'll just have to deal with it, I guess. I mean, the difficult things in life doesn't disappear just because it's time for us to sleep.

[00:11:04] And I think the road ahead, the path between the rocks in this case is to just accept that shit happens, you know. Living is a disturbing experience. And that doesn't go away just because we fall asleep. Anyway, so my kindergarten teacher, she pinched me.

[00:11:33] And she pulled my hair, actually. And before you run off climbing the church tower, yelling out over your county that this weird Swedish podcast host is telling me about his childhood trauma in order for me to fall asleep. I want to say that I very seldom think about this.

[00:11:58] The only reason I remember it is that, well, it was abuse, of course. But it happened, I mean, it couldn't have happened that many times, apparently, because I'm not scarred in any deeper sense. It was actually kind of a thing that went on when I was a kid. The pinching and the pulling of hair.

[00:12:26] That was something that actually happened to me a few times. Today, we would say that this is absolutely not okay. But this was in the 70s. And I guess people didn't really think of it that way. So I, but I remember being devastated at the time.

[00:12:52] They had these, some of the older children, they had made these clay figurines, birds with colorful feathers. And it was made out of clay. And the teachers had put them to dry on trays behind the kitchen.

[00:13:21] And there were chairs put up in front of the room where the figurines were drying. But I climbed over the chairs because I thought that they were so beautiful. Those clay figurines, birds.

[00:13:44] I, but I remember, I remember, I remember touching the feathers and they were so frail and soft. And I remember standing there having this moment.

[00:14:12] And then Mona showed up. And she told me very strictly that I, I'm not allowed here. It's the, the, the older children that has made these and you will only destroy them or something like that. But, and I'm, yeah, she, I guess she lifted me and put me outside.

[00:14:42] But I, these birds, they had filled me with such longing. So I just sneaked back and I watched the birds again. And I remember the tension, you know, because I was scared. I was scared, I was scared of getting caught. But I did it anyway.

[00:15:09] And of course, Mona came back and saw me. And it was at that time that she pinched me. I don't remember where she pinched me. Could have been my arm or, I don't know. The next thing I remember is me crying and

[00:15:35] deciding that I'm going to just wait for mom to come and get me. And I remember I'm out in the hallway and I'm standing between the coats, the teacher's coats out in the hallway. And they're cold. And this can be something that I made up. That's the weird and sad thing about memories, I guess,

[00:16:04] is that you tend to change them the more you use them, the more they change. But I have this recollection of them being fur. Like the teachers had fur coats. Or some of them did anyway. That doesn't rhyme though. Because this was in the 70s.

[00:16:27] And I don't think fur coats were a thing that kindergarten teachers just wore. My grandma, my mother's mom, she wore a lot of fake fur. Or maybe it was real fur. I don't remember. So I could have mixed the two memories. But I remember standing there hiding behind the furs,

[00:16:56] the coats in the hallway. Feeling the coldness and softness of them. And just waiting for my mom. Somehow, I still do that. In a way. I'm still waiting on the coats in the hallway.

[00:17:26] Feeling the softness and the coldness of them. Waiting for my mom to come get me. That's the sad part about being a grown-up, isn't it? That your mom will not come and get you. So I live in the city. Excuse me, I need to change my posture.

[00:17:56] I'm on this bar stool. And it's not as comfortable as in my studio where I normally is more laid back. So here I'm more stiffened. Anyway, I'm sorry. So if you haven't gathered it by now, you don't really need to follow along.

[00:18:26] It's okay for you to drift away. You don't have to listen to all the words. You can just let me speak. That's actually what I'm counting on. Sometimes I can be so boring and so uninspired. And then all of a sudden things happen. I thought about it the other day.

[00:18:50] Sometimes I get so agitated or what's the word? Inspired by something that I come up with and want to talk about. And then I need to do like Mona in a way. I need to pinch myself because I need to slow down.

[00:19:16] I need to realize that I'm not here to preach. I have a tendency to preach. And I don't mean to. If I ever do that, Sleepy, if I ever preach, then first of all, I'm sorry. I'm only human and I'm doing this without any script.

[00:19:40] So it's easy, you know, that I just end up in default mode, which is like the thoughts closest to my own personality. And they will just sometimes catch on fire. But I don't mean to.

[00:20:01] Regarding the emails from a few weeks back, the point of them was that they criticized me for speaking trash about religion. And I don't mean to do that. I was raised Catholic.

[00:20:24] I'm just of the opinion that we should be able to talk about the stuff that we believe without having to walk on eggshells. Don't you think, Sleepy? I really mean it when I say that I have really deep respect for all sorts of belief systems.

[00:20:53] I really think that we have these number of days on earth. And if we can't do with them intellectually and ideologically what we feel at home with, then what's the point?

[00:21:11] But I do think that God, in all his glory, don't mind if we think about his teachings in a humoristic way from time to time. So I'm not going to dwell on this. I really like it when I get a reach out from you, Sleepy.

[00:21:40] I try to read. I mean, I read all of it. I try to answer as much as I can. But now the podcast has grown so much so that I just don't have time anymore to answer it all. And then there has been some emails that I couldn't really answer them because they're angry, like really angry.

[00:22:07] And I don't want to go into that. I'm just an entertainer. I'm just... I'm not important. I can't emphasize that enough. I am not important. In this scenario, the very narrow scope scenario that we're in right now, Sleepy, you are the only one that matters right now.

[00:22:35] I know this is not like an objective truth. There are several Sleepys in the world. But right now, in this narrow scope scenario, you are the only one that matters. So keep that in mind, please.

[00:23:08] I'm sorry I needed to be quiet for a while. Sometimes I do that. And outside the cities, doing whatever cities do. The first thing that you notice if you're in a city and it's night is that it never fully goes quiet.

[00:23:36] There's this hum under everything, low and constant. Like the buildings itself, the buildings themselves are like breathing or whatever. And it's also sort of an echo.

[00:24:03] Like every sound has roots in a city. Out on the land, there's this other aspect of sound. They are wider. Not so deep. Like they have wings. And out on the land, the silence have edges.

[00:24:30] You know, a dog far off. And wind. And then nothing. And here in Stockholm, where I live, the nothing is always full. There is no nothing. What is that sound made of? Sleepy.

[00:24:58] And why does it take a countryside body like myself weeks or maybe even years to forget that they exist? Because today I don't think about it, but I've lived in this, the capital of Sweden for, yeah, since, since, God, I don't, since 1998, I guess.

[00:25:26] But I still remember because a city sounds different to someone who's new in it. Like the sirens and the subway and the tram. They're not yet wallpaper.

[00:25:50] The trams, the subway. In this city, the subway is more frequent. They still mean something, you know. The sounds. And after a while, you just stop hearing all of it. And that's weird because it hasn't gone quieter.

[00:26:21] You just got used to the size of it, I guess. This goes in the countryside as well. But it's different.

[00:26:35] When I grew up in this small village out in the countryside, there was, we had animals. We had cow and a calf.

[00:27:03] Different cows and different calves. And sheep. Several of them goats. Dog. Border collie. A lot of cats. Geese. Turkeys. And chicken. Chicken.

[00:27:29] One time, my dad bought eggs from another farmer. And as it turned out, they were all roosters. So we had a lot of roosters one summer. Spring. Fall. Winter. I don't know. I just remember that it was utter chaos. The roosters, the young roosters were trying to kill each other.

[00:28:00] Imagine being a baby rooster. Being born. Hatching. Looking out into the world. You know nothing. The only thing that you know is that there are other boys here and they need to go. Like instantly. That's the only instinct that I keep. Imagine just the horror of just having one thing in your mind.

[00:28:30] They need to go. That's the only thing that matters. And they think the same about you. There was nothing soft and romantic about how animals from my childhood lived.

[00:28:59] Like it's very easy to romanticize country life. But if you know, you know, Sleepy. A creature is born. And a creature dies. And everything happens like really very deeply close. Whether or not you're a kid. Close to you.

[00:29:29] Like the life and death of an animal is so close. The mishaps. Like. The. Other. Nonchalance. No, that's not a word. Nonchalance. Nonchalance. Oh God. Okay, so we hit that. Milestone now. Sleepy. In the episode.

[00:30:00] In which I am. Just without words. I am beyond words. I don't know the word. Nonchalance. Nonchalance. The animals. Show great. They are nonchalant. They don't care. So. We had chicken. And once in a while. There was this fox.

[00:30:30] This fox just ate our chicken. You know. There was nothing more to it. The city hides all of that. Behind. Different surfaces. Plastic and glass. And concrete. And I can't really. I don't want to moralize. I can't decide. If that is. Mercy. Because it's horrifying.

[00:31:01] To watch the cruelness of nature. And I'm not saying that. Using. The real meaning of the word. Cruelness. It can seem cruel. But of course it's not. Cruelness. It's just. Nature. You know. But it can be really hard. To see. One time. We had a lot of cats. And at one point. Every year. In the fall. There is moose hunt. National moose hunt.

[00:31:31] And. Then. There's a lot of dogs. In the woods. Dogs that are used for one thing only. And that is hunting. So they are very eager. To just go out there. And do. A lot of hunting. And sometimes. These dogs. They just freak out. They just ran on this. Rampage. You know. And that's. What happened. We were at church. Me and my siblings. And my mom and dad.

[00:32:01] And when we came back. This. Hunting dog. Had been. At our place. Just. Demolishing. The cats. Like there were nothing left. And. There were a few remaining cats. And they were. Of course. Deeply traumatized. And we had a dog. Of our own. That border collie. I mentioned. And the cats were so afraid of him.

[00:32:31] They wouldn't go near him. They just. Yeah. So that's not very romantic. Is it? That's not very beautiful. It's. It's like horror. But it's nature. It's. So I'm not sure. That I think that. The lack of this. In a city. Is. Purely a bad thing. Although I do miss. Like the honest. Directness. Of the countryside.

[00:33:05] There is a moment. When you first. Move into a city. Like in a new apartment. And you lie in the dark. And. The room is the wrong. Shape. And the light. Comes in from the wrong side. And. Your body just knows. That this is. Wrong. I have been moved.

[00:33:35] Says the body. And out on the land. I remember. The dark. Was complete. The starry nights. Were. Omnious. And. The dark. Didn't ask anything. Of me. Here in the apartment. The ceiling is. Striped. With. Other people's.

[00:34:05] Headlights. And. Streetlights. And. It's not. Purely my own. But people. Romanticize. The countryside. People who haven't. Lived. On the countryside. Like they picture. Morning.

[00:34:35] Mist. And. A slow. Cup of coffee. And. Chicken in the yard. And. They very seldom. Picture the morning. You go out. And. The fox. Has been. And there are. Feathers. And blood. And not much else. And. The day just. Simply goes on.

[00:35:06] Yeah. The land is honest. In a way. And it's hard to love. But it's also very easy to love. And I keep. Turning that coin. Without ever. Settle on anything.

[00:35:35] A city has a subtle life. A subtle. Invisible life. That runs. Like. Like. Under the obvious one. Pipes. And cables. And. Like. Warm air. Coming from. The underground. And people are.

[00:36:05] Everywhere. Constantly. Doing. Nothing. And. You will never know. Anything about it. And you will go throughout. Your whole life. And you will. Meet. That. Person. Every day. And you will never know. What she does. And you walk down. One street. And you pass. A thousand. Private worlds. And. None of them. Notice you. I can't decide if.

[00:36:34] That is loneliness. Sleepy. Or if it's a kind of. Freedom. That you can't really get. In the country. But. Regarding the weather. You just knew the weather.

[00:37:04] With your whole body. Before you knew it. With your mind. Your eyes. Because the smell. Changed. That. Amazing smell. Of rain. There is a directness to that. The sky means something. In the city. Suddenly there is weather.

[00:37:34] You know. Of course you can. You can. Watch the weather. And see it change. And you can make. Predictions. But it's. It's not as easy as. Out in the countryside. In this city. The weather is just something. That you happen to notice. When you leave your apartment building.

[00:38:05] One morning. That I can truly miss. I know that I miss. Two things. With living in the countryside. The one. The first thing is. The midnight sky. Like this. Starry sky. Here. You don't see many stars. And that's awful. I really think that's purely awful. There's nothing good about not seeing stars at night.

[00:38:33] The other thing is. I would really love to be warned. By the world itself. That the weather is changing. For instance. I remember having these. Almost existential. Emotional roundabouts. Just looking at the sky. You know.

[00:39:08] The fox is not cruel. The fox is hungry. And the hens are slow. And that's the whole story. Up close to that. It never felt like a tragedy. Until I left.

[00:39:38] Lived in the city. Maybe the romance. Of living in the countryside. Is something that we add later. From a distance. To make the past feel. More meaningful. In the city. You don't know. Which sounds are danger. And.

[00:40:07] Which sounds are just. Tuesday. Like a motorbike. Someone shouting. Someone emptying. This bottle bin. Recycling bin. Someone laughs. New in the city. All the sounds. Arrive. Like flat. Without their meaning attached.

[00:40:45] You learn the grammar of a city. Then all of a sudden. You're fluent. And then you feel safe. Or bored. Or both. I miss the dark as well. There were nights. That were so dark. That you. You couldn't even see your own hand.

[00:41:15] This never happens here. The city has never been that dark for me. Not once. Not once. Somewhere there's always a street light. Burning. For nobody. Nobody. That's poetic. And. And. Romantic. I think. As well. Every night. I think about that. That's a lie. I don't think about it. Every night.

[00:41:44] I think that I think about it. Every night. But I don't. The fact that there is a street light. Somewhere. That just shines. And there's no one there. In a park. Somewhere. Somewhere. There's just nothing there. But still. There's this light. And this park bench. What it does to a person.

[00:42:16] Not being. Ever. Fully. In the dark. I wonder if that influences me. In some way. That I don't. That I can't identify. Maybe I'm just.

[00:42:46] Very dark deprived. Maybe that's why I. Seek darkness. Like. In thoughts. And. Other aspects. That don't just. Involve. The level of light. In my environment. Maybe there's this. Self. Regulating. Mechanism. That. The lighter it is around you.

[00:43:16] The darker your thoughts go. I don't know. That's a cool thought though. Animals. Do not. Pretend. Like a horse. That doesn't like you. Will let you know that. With. Its whole body. A cat. That's done with you. Simply leaves. There's no. Performance.

[00:43:47] No. Managing of feelings. And. I think part of me. Has been. Homesick. For that. Directness. Ever since I started living among. People in the city. Because people. We say one thing. And we mean. Another. Sometimes. Sometimes. I'm not saying that. This isn't the case. In. Like small villages. Like the one I come from.

[00:44:17] The two-facedness. Of humans. Is. Equal. In both. City and. Village. I miss. Though. I miss the. Yeah. One morning you wake up. And then there's just. Snow. That drifted in. And covered all of.

[00:44:46] Whatever. You call. Home. You know. That doesn't happen in a city. Well it happens. But. Someone. Or something. Is taking care of it. We have a system. We have systems. Like several systems. Taking care of stuff. For us. Out in the countryside. You just wake up. And then. Okay. So I can't get my car out now. And I kind of miss that. Unforgivableness.

[00:45:15] That comes with. Open spaces. But then again. I wouldn't want to live without. The city. That moves. Whether you are awake. Or not. That's a. It's a very. Alluring. And romantic. Way of looking at a city as well. There's this whole. Shift of people. Keeping it alive. Drive. While you sleep.

[00:45:45] People clean. And drive. And bake. And watch. A screen. In an empty room. And you wake up. Rested. And the city is rested. For some weird reason. Because it hasn't slept. I have. Had my driver's license. For. A little over a year now. And.

[00:46:14] One thing. That I. That's new to me. Since. Getting the license. Is. The fact that I. Would like. To live on the countryside. With a car. Because it's so much. Harmonic. I guess. To just wake up. Get out. Get in the car. If it's not snowed in. And then just go places. Here. You need to get. To the garage.

[00:46:44] And then you need to. Manoeuvre. Out of the garage. And then you. You're in line. You know. You're in traffic. And you will be that. Throughout your. Ride. Through town. But on the land. The distance. Like. Made it. You had time to think. Yeah. The distance. I always.

[00:47:13] I almost forgot about the distance. Like. The next house. That was a brisk walk. And the town. That was a decision. To make. And. I think I carried that space. Inside me. Like a kind of. Patience. I don't have that patience. Here.

[00:47:42] Here everything is closed. Not closed. Close. Somehow. Not. Closer. Anyway. You know. I can hear my neighbor. Cough. Through the wall. And I will never learn his name.

[00:48:11] And I keep wondering whether. Nearness and intimacy. Ever were like the same thing. I'm sorry. But now I need to adjust again. This chair is not really. Very comfortable.

[00:48:46] So there's a smell. That I miss. Decay. You can smell decay in the city as well. But. Here decay. Mostly has to do with. Garbage. And. Living. In a small farm. Out in the countryside. The smell of decay is more.

[00:49:15] Varied. I guess. You could feel. Like rot. In the air. But also growth. You know. Fungi. Growing on everything. Plants. Ants. And rants. From a Swedish podcast host.

[00:49:45] It's not a clean smell. And I. I loved it. I think I loved it. The city. On the other hand. Smells like. Yeah. It's also beautiful. Smells overall sleepy. What would we do. Without the smells. Like warm stone. And rain. On said stone. Not so warm anymore. Exhaust. It's also a beautiful smell in a way.

[00:50:14] Although problematic. And. Bread. And fish. I think smell is a. Fascinating topic. I don't really know much about the sense itself. But it's. Isn't it true that. Smell goes straight to. Like the oldest. Part of you. Under language.

[00:50:48] We've all had that experience. I guess. When we. Sense a smell. Like from a stairwell. Made of wood. And. For one second. One half of a second. That stairwell. Smells like a barn. From your childhood. And you're eight years old again. And. And you don't know why.

[00:51:19] When the fox comes. You can build a better fence. To protect your. Chicken coop. You can sit up. With a light. You can. Do everything right. And yet. This. There's still this. The fox. Still comes. You know. Because the fox has. All the time in the world. And. You have a life to live. You know.

[00:51:52] There is something. In that. That I have never managed. To make peace with. The way. Maybe this is. True. In the city as well. But the way that. My effort. And the actual outcome. Almost. Always. Refuse to line up. I thought about it. In terms of countryside. Like the fox. Will come. No matter what. You know.

[00:52:21] It's more coincidence. If the fox. Just doesn't turn up. One night. But. Thinking about it. This applies. To living in the city. As well. But. A city teaches you. At least this. And I've. Come to know this. Very well. Over the past year. Since. Separating. From my partner. Like.

[00:52:51] Like. You can be. The city just shows you. This. Very particular kind. Of solitude. You can be alone. In a crowd. Of thousands. And. That's. Like. Soft. Anonymous. Aloneness. On a good day.

[00:53:21] It's a restful. Feeling. But on the land. I keep saying. On the land. I don't really know. If that's. Something that. Apply. If you can say that. But I do it anyway. So on the land. And then. On the line. On the land. You were. Alone. With. The actual world. The trees. The cold. The indifferent stars.

[00:53:51] I wonder what's most lonely. I. I don't know. And I'm not going to. To pretend that I know. I think my mind will change. In a second anyway. But on the land. Sleepy. Things died. In front of you.

[00:54:22] And nobody. Really hid it. The animal. That you fed in spring. Was gone. By winter. And. You knew. And you ate. And you lived. And the city. The city. The city. Has arranged itself. So that. Death happens somewhere else. Out of sight. On your behalf.

[00:54:47] I'm still not sure. Whether or not. That distance. Makes us. Kinder. Or just more afraid. I don't know. But I think that. There's this old idea. That the country. Innocent. And the city.

[00:55:17] Is. Corrupt. Corrupt. And I don't. I don't. I don't sign off. On that. The countryside. Is cruel. Quiet. Casual. And. The city. Kind. And small. And. Of course.

[00:55:48] Places. Aren't. Good. Or bad. They're just different. Weather. I don't think that I will ever. Leave. The city.

[00:56:17] But saying that. That just feels wrong. I can't imagine. Living the rest of my days. In. A city. This city. I've lived here for 30 years. Sometimes. It feels almost like. Panic. The fact that. I haven't really lived. In any other. Well. As a young man.

[00:56:48] I lived in. Other places. But. Not for long. This is by far. My. Longest stay. Throughout my life. I love this city. Especially in the summer. But. I would want to live. Somewhere else. Maybe that's a part. Of the reason. Why I do this podcast. It's like for me. A way to. Visit other places.

[00:57:17] Because of the reach out. That I get from you. Sleepy. And also. I will live in another country. Being taught something else. About. Sounds. And silence. Loneliness. Loneliness. And cruelty. Kindness. And randomness.

[00:57:46] The echo. Of the silent fields. That surrounds us. That surrounds every human. Don't really know. What's the purpose of life. Do you sleepy? I think it's. Part of the reason. Why we live. Is to ask ourselves. That question.

[00:58:16] Over and over again. And maybe there's. Not even an answer. Answer. At least not an answer. In any conventional sense. Like. What's. What door should I go through. To get to the kitchen. The right one. Because the left one. Will take you down. In the cellar. Those answers. Like the ambiguity.

[00:58:47] Like keep me on this edge. Between. City. And countryside. But one day. I will live. On the land again. This episode is over. If you're not asleep. By now. That's fine. You can listen to another one.

[00:59:18] There's. A few other episodes. Thank you for being here sleepy.